No Joke! CDC Offers Advice to Deal with Zombie Apocalypse! by J.J. Jackson, May 21, 2011
I hate our government. I really do. I had a legitimate article about serious things of concern to our great nation all ready to go. Then someone in the government does something so utterly stupid that I have to trash that original article to talk about this utter stupidity.
Our government is actually paying people, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) to be precise, to waste time and our money to blog about how to be prepared for a “Zombie Apocalypse”. Am I serious? Yes I am. And so is the CDC apparently. As if there are not enough pressing problems with the world we live in? Now the Zombie Apocalypse is upon too it seems.
Now, I know that America already suffered a zombie apocalypse. It happened on Election Day in 2008. On that day hordes of mindless people voted for a “clean” and “articulate” black man by the name of Barack Obama, as apposed to an intelligent and thoughtful black man like Mr. Alan Keyes or the somewhat bumbling, but infinitely better John McCain, for President. As a result America is still trying to dig out of that calamity.
But this is not the Zombie Apocalypse the CDC is referring to. The post, by Ali S. Khan, a Rear Admiral and Assistant Surgeon General and Director of Public Health Preparedness and Response, starts out by stating, “There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.”
Under “A Brief History Of Zombies”, the post discusses zombies in pop culture including movies like Night of the Living Dead as well as telling us what a zombie is. “Although its meaning has changed slightly over the years, it refers to a human corpse mysteriously reanimated to serve the undead,” writes Mr. Khan. Holy crap! I had no idea!
And what should you do in case of a zombie attack? Well, the CDC warns that the emergency preparedness kit for this fateful scenario is pretty much the same as your basic emergency kit for other emergencies such as, “hurricanes or pandemics”. You should have water, 1 gallon per person per day, food, medications that you are required to take, soap, perhaps to help bath any zombies you might come across, a change of clothes, and first aid supplies. Although the post admits that the first aid supplies will do you no good in the case of a zombie bite, it is sure to remind us that it can still be used to treat other basic injuries. What? The government does not have a top secret anti-zombie vaccine for us to stock our kits with yet? What the heck are my tax dollars going towards if not something so important?
The post also suggests you keep basic tools such as duct tape, a utility knife and battery powered radio handy. I assume the radio is so that you can listen to reports about everyone being bitten and turned into zombies. It will also provide great entertainment opportunities. You can listen to the horrified screams of those at radio stations across America as the zombies break down the barred doors and consume their juicy, sweet victim’s flesh. And eventually you will be able to listen to the soon to be formed Zombie Broadcasting Network. This will consist of nothing but the word, “BRAINS!” said over and over again in a droning tone twenty-four hours a day.
Oh, and make sure you have an emergency plan available! Know where you will meet others and identify your emergency contacts while having a well thought out evacuation route the CDC warns. But no useful information is given on how to tell if those you are meeting up with are already zombies or, as is often the case, already having been bitten but that are hiding the fact that they will soon to turn into brain sucking fiends from beyond the grave. Gee, don’t you think that would be important knowledge? Yet nothing from the CDC on that.
And do not worry. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, the government is ready to help! “If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine).” Gee, uh, thanks?
Here is a good question though. This whole worry about zombies by our federal government seems a little dangerous. You know, given our recent move towards being sensitive towards all people. Our government can barely recognize terrorists as a threat! But here they are picking on poor little zombies? I mean, zombies are people too right? How long until the zombie lobby sues our federal government for inciting fear against Undead-Americans? How long until they demand full coverage under Obamacare for treatment of their condition? Have you seen a zombie lately? Their skin is all dried and cracked and their mental capacities are often diminished. Then how long will it be until zombies everywhere march on Washington to declare that it is their right to eat brains and that non-zombie Americans must give up twenty-five percent of their cranial cavity contents to feed their hunger?
Look, dealing with a zombie apocalypse is not a big deal. I have watched enough movies to know what you have to do. You get your trusty shotgun out, load it up with double ought buckshot and blow their heads clean off. That pretty much stops the zombie hordes in their tracks. I did not need the CDC to tell me how to solve this, apparently, all too real of a potential problem.
Besides, there are more pressing and the real problems coming our way. You know, like the coming war between vampires and werewolves. Maybe the federal government should focus on real issues like that instead of these fantasies about zombie hordes running wild across the country side.
Author’s final note: I get it. The CDC was trying to be creative to create awareness about what to do in the case of an emergency. This silly post by Mr. Khan successfully brought a lot of eyeballs to the CDC’s website. Considering that few people care about what the CDC has to say on a daily basis because it is so irrelevant to our daily lives and all of their recommendations on how to deal with emergencies is common sense and already known by anyone with and IQ greater than a radish, this whole “Zombie Apocalypse” post did its job to help the CDC justify its existence and get people to visit their site.
But on the flip side, the silliness of the post makes those reading it take the government even less seriously than it was previously. Not too long ago such low brow content being put up on an official government website would have been so frowned upon that it would never have happened. But today, well, people have salaries and budgets to defend. And apparently they have way too much time on their hands. This kind of tripe demeans the role of our government.
I know. And you thought it could not get any worse.